Accountability. Sometimes this word is used when calling on an individual or group to be held responsible for certain actions or inactions that have brought about a negative consequence. But personal accountability looks slightly different. It is the need to invite others into one’s life to give accountability in areas of growth.

Accountability is a needed part of spiritual growth as a Christian and, really, anyone’s personal growth, but I must confess that I’ve had my ups and downs with giving and receiving it.

Some of my experiences went something like this: “Hey friend, I have this sin I’m struggling with. You mentioned struggling with something. Why don’t we get together every week and hold each other accountable for doing what we need to do?” We met, asked how things are going, encouraged each other to do better, prayed for each other, and met again the next week. 

A lot of the time there was not much thought put into it. Honestly, I think I hoped simply praying with a friend would supernaturally change me, but I found that accountability doesn’t work that way.

Recently I began thinking about accountability again. I have been running more lately and have decided to train for a few races. On a recent run I asked my husband to join me to improve my pace—it didn’t go well! This experience led me to reflect on accountability in general. In sorting through my own experiences, I have come up with some necessary and important aspects for productive accountability.

Find the right person. Asking the right person to serve as your accountability partner can make or break the journey. You need an accountability partner whom you respect and trust, and ideally, someone who is a part of your daily or weekly life. 

As a teenager, I trusted my mom to love me unconditionally and give me solid counsel; for years she was my #1 confidant. Now it’s my husband. He lives with me and sees my good, bad, and ugly. He wants the best for me, so I share my struggles and he helps me to overcome. 

I care about my teenage sons becoming God-loving and honorable men. My husband and I want to model how to do that to the best of our ability. Over a year ago at Christmas we all agreed to use the YouVersion Bible app to read through the Bible together. From day to day, we could see a check mark by each name to see who completed their reading. There was a place to add questions or comment. We all had days that we got behind, but we were in it together, reminding each other to get back on track. At the end of the year the four of us accomplished reading through the Bible together. We celebrated and chose another plan for this year. 

If you are going to ask someone to hold you accountable, put some thought into it. Choose someone who you trust and respect, who seems to live out the virtues you seek. Secondly, choose someone who is in your life and sees you on a regular basis, so that they can actually hold you responsible for your actions.

Define your terms and expectations. You and your accountability partner need to be on the same page when it comes to what you both mean by accountability and what you both expect out of this relationship. Some people are asking for non-intrusive encouragement—Bible verses and other resources that may help them. Some want straight forward, intrusive questioning coupled with encouragements and resources. Some people need their partner to accept late night calls for help or be willing for more time-consuming accountability such as attending counseling or AA type meetings with them.

I think, when I was younger, if I had a conversation with my accountability partner about accountability expectations I could have grown more. We would have made more beneficial plans, and accountability overall would have been more effective.

Continue to communicate. Continued communication with your accountability partner is key. After your first couple of meetings, reflect on what is working and what needs to be tweaked. Then talk to your accountability partner about it. Work together to figure out if your plan is effective. If there are problems, try to pinpoint the problem and what needs to change. 

I mentioned earlier that I asked my husband for help in improving my running pace, so he did. Before the run he asked how fast was too fast and how slow was too slow. He planned to let me know when I was outside those parameters. As we ran, I was constantly slowing down and speeding up and outside of those parameters, so he let me know. At the end of the run, I was irritated! I thought to myself, “This was a bad idea. I should just run by myself.” BUT I decided to talk to him about the run. It was tense. He said he only did what I asked of him. That was a true statement. We discussed what was frustrating to me, made some adjustments to the plan, and tried running together again. It worked! The original goal was the same, but how he approached helping me was adjusted and I adjusted my attitude to receive his help. We are still running together. I am improving my pace. The plan just needed to be tweaked. 

Acknowledge your own insecurities. Accountability is uncomfortable. Remember, you are inviting someone into your life to hold you responsible for your actions that don’t align with your goals and hold you to actions that do. The nature of the accountability relationship is based on vulnerability and admitting need. So, it is likely you will struggle with pridefulness puffing up to protect you after you have admitted weakness. It is also likely that fear may arise because you’ve risked being vulnerable. It is tempting to back off from the relationship and run. But don’t. Instead, try confronting you’re pride and insecurities. Try telling your accountability partner that you are struggling with insecurities. Don’t let these fears short-circuit overcoming a sin or achieving your goals.

As I mentioned earlier, after running with my husband, I wanted to quit running with him. I didn’t realize how inconsistent my pace was, and how much I slowed down; it was embarrassing. It was also my dear husband pointing it out! But then, I asked him to! I had invited him in, yet I didn’t like it. I had to acknowledge my insecurities, talk to him, and figure out how to make it work.

Take and Give. Accountability is reciprocal. It’s a two-way investment of time and care. If you are seeking accountability and view the other person as the helper or mentor of the relationship, don’t expect them to do all the work of checking in or scheduling to get together. Instead, take the initiative to call them to plan. Text them an encouraging verse. Ask how you can pray for them. Your needs may be different from theirs, but your accountability partner needs prayer and encouragement too.

I’ve been in a couple of accountability relationships where I was the mentor reaching out to check on and encourage the mentee. It was always refreshing for them to ask, “So what’s going on in your life? You are always encouraging me and praying for me. How can I pray for you?” I’ve also had them text me an encouraging Bible verse that was exactly what I needed that day. It’s a give and take relationship.

Accountability is important. Don’t under-think it. If the goal you seek to achieve or the sin you seek to overcome is worth it, seek out the right person, define accountability and expectations, continue to communicate throughout the relationship, acknowledge your insecurities and push forward, and remember, it is a give and take relationship. The accountability relationship has the potential to be one of the most valuable investments of your life.

Scriptures that came to mind as I thought about accountability:

⁹ Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their efforts. ¹⁰ For if either falls, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to lift him up. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17)

The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive. (Proverbs 27:6)

²⁴ And let us consider one another in order to provoke love and good works, ²⁵ not neglecting to gather together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day approaching. (Hebrews 10:24-25)

²⁹ Jesus answered, “The most important is Listen, Israel! The Lord our God, the Lord is one. ³⁰ Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. ³¹ The second is, Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other command greater than these.” (Mark 12:29-31)

¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, ²⁰ for human anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness. (James 1:19-20)